Have you ever found yourself thinking: “I don’t even know who I am outside of this job”? Or wondering, “How do I keep this job from becoming the only thing that defines me?” That kind of internal questioning doesn’t signal something is wrong. It’s a sign you’re evolving.

Welcome to The Lawyer Burnout Solution, the podcast for women attorneys who want to stay in the careers they worked so hard to build—without running themselves into the ground.

I’m Heather Mills, and every week, I’ll share the tools, strategies, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim your energy, confidence, and career.

This is the third episode in our What If It Gets to Be Good? series: a 3-part invitation to lead your career, and your life, from thriving, not surviving.

In the first episode of the series, (#14) we explored desire—how to reconnect with what you actually want, even if that voice feels quiet right now.

In the second episode of the series, (#15) we looked at how we define success and shifting from proving yourself to trusting yourself, so that success actually feels good.

And today, we’re talking about identity. Not the one that lives on your LinkedIn profile. But the deeper one, the you who existed before you ever tracked your life in six-minute increments.

This is about no longer building your worth on your role as a lawyer and about building your self-worth from the inside.

So let’s start with something a lot of us feel but rarely say out loud: what happens when you’ve worked so hard to ‘make it’… and you still feel disconnected from your life when you get there?”

You’ve followed the map. Achieved what you set out to achieve. And yet… there’s still that question: Why doesn’t this feel better? 

You’re proud of what you’ve built—and you should be. But if part of you feels disconnected from it, like you’ve built something that doesn’t quite fit anymore—you’re not imagining that.

I remember when I was practicing as a class action lawyer, even my life outside of work revolved around the law. My activism, the non-profits I was involved with, the volunteering I did, it was all law-related. If I met new people who weren’t lawyers, I had very little to talk about. At the time, I didn’t think much of it—it just felt normal. But looking back, it was a sign of how much my identity had narrowed without me even noticing.

And here’s what research shows: when lawyers—especially women—tie their identity so tightly to the role of “lawyer,” every stressor or setback stops being just work stress. It feels personal. Your worth, your competence, even your belonging all get run through the filter of your career. That hyper-focus can create a toxic cycle: the more narrowly you define yourself by your job, the more vulnerable you are to burnout and disconnection.

Law rewards the belief that achievement equals identity. Do more, prove more, earn more. Be more impressive. Be more needed.

It’s seductive. And it works… until it doesn’t.

Because one day you hit a goal, and instead of feeling fulfilled, you feel flat. You’ve built a whole life around being high-achieving, high-functioning, and highly respected, but somehow, it doesn’t reflect who you really are.

And that’s when the discomfort shows up. Thoughts like: “Am I wasting my potential if I want to slow down?” “Shouldn’t I be more grateful?” “What would it mean if this isn’t what I want anymore?”

Those thoughts aren’t the truth. They’re just well-rehearsed narratives from a patriarchal, prestige-driven system that taught you to earn your value through output and perfection. And they keep you hustling for approval instead of living from your own center.

So how do you step outside of that trap? 

For me, and for so many of my clients, it starts with remembering this metaphor, which,

If you listened to Episode 2 of the series (#15), you might remember, because it struck a chord for many of you.

Here it is: You’re the painter. The values, creativity, purpose, care—that all lives in you as the painter. The job is just one place where you express it. 

You will paint many things in your life. Some bold. Some subtle. Some transitional. But none of them are the whole story.

Psychologists call it over-engagement—when your entire sense of self revolves around work, and you start neglecting the other parts of life that make you whole. It’s a straight line to emotional exhaustion. 

Lawyers who keep some autonomy, who remember they’re more than the job, report more resilience and less burnout. When your sense of identity doesn’t rest entirely on your job, everything gets lighter. You can:

Choose work that aligns with your values—not just your résumé. Leave roles that no longer fit—without it meaning you failed. Stay where you are—but finally paint in your own colors.

Your career doesn’t give your life meaning. You bring meaning to your career.

And similarly, your career doesn’t make you feel worthy, or enough, or make you a good person. You create all of that from the inside.

If you want to start exploring that without making any big moves yet, here’s something you can try…

Take five quiet minutes and ask yourself: What do I want to be known for—beyond my job title? What qualities do I bring with me, no matter the role? Where in my life do I feel most like myself right now?

You don’t need to fix anything or force an answer. Sometimes, the first “answer” is noticing what’s missing—or how hard it feels to even ask.

Now… if you hear those questions and your brain goes totally blank, or you feel a little panicky, you’re not alone. Or what comes feels flimsy.

Your brain might offer thoughts like:

“Everything I’m known for is tied to my work. I don’t even know what’s left without that.”

“The qualities I bring? They’re all about being a good lawyer—competent, detail-oriented, responsive, relentless, persistent. Does that even count outside of law?”

“Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt most like myself. I’ve been in lawyer mode for so long.”

If you’re nodding, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re bumping into how deeply the profession has fused your identity with your role.

And that can put you on a path toward burnout.

And this isn’t rare—nearly 80% of legal professionals say burnout is at least a sometimes thing, and for almost 1 in 10 it’s basically a permanent roommate. That’s not about being weak. It’s what happens when your work takes over and there’s no room for flexibility, autonomy, or a self that exists outside the job.

And here’s where the shame can sneak in: you might think, If I can’t answer these, maybe I don’t have an identity outside my work. But that’s not the truth. It’s just that the part of you who knows those answers hasn’t been given a microphone in a while.

If you recognize that part of you hasn't had a voice in a while...this is the point where things start to open up, because you don’t have to have all the answers before you begin.

The first step to reclaiming your center isn’t to have the perfect answer—it’s to notice where you’ve lost touch with it. From there, you can start expanding your sense of self to hold more than your career: your values, your relationships, your humor, your creativity.

When your identity can hold all of that—not just your job—you stop living in a constant state of over-engagement and start creating space for resilience, joy, and self-trust.

There’s a cultural script in law that says the busier and more stressed you are, the more valuable you must be. But that’s not resilience—that’s depletion with a fancy title.

Here’s what I see in my clients—and what I’ve experienced myself—when they step outside that script: you start trusting your own preferences, rhythms, and wisdom. You enjoy your work more—because you’re not hustling to earn your worth. You feel less reactive, more grounded. You laugh more. You notice beauty again. You feel less judgmental—because you’ve started to extend that grace to yourself. You stop trying to prove you’re good enough. Most importantly, you stop letting your performance dictate your value.

That doesn’t mean you never fall back into old patterns. I do too. But now, I know how to come back to myself—and that’s what I want for you. Not a brand-new life. Just a way to live more fully in the one you already have. Because you are the painter, and you’re going to paint many canvases in your life.

If something in this conversation resonated with you—if you’re feeling the pull toward a career that actually fits—I’d love to help you explore that.

This is exactly the work I do with my clients: not just burnout recovery, but identity reintegration, purpose, clarity, and redefining success from the inside out.

You can book a free call using the link in the show notes. There’s no pressure. Just one honest conversation about what comes next.

And if you missed the first two episodes in this What If It Gets to Be Good? series, you might want to go back and start there.

The first episode in the series (#14)] is all about desire—how to hear your own wants again after years of putting everyone else first.

The second episode in the series (#15) dives into how to stop proving yourself and start trusting yourself, so your success actually feels good.

That’s it for today’s conversation. Thanks for being here—and for making space to think about who you are beyond your job. Take good care of yourself this week, and I’ll meet you back here next time.