035 The Questions to Ask Before You Quit (That Most Lawyers Skip)

>You can leave the practice of law at any time. But it’s a mistake to leave from a place where you’re telling yourself, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Welcome to The Lawyer Burnout Solution, the podcast for women attorneys who want to move from survival mode to a sustainable, fulfilling lawyer life. I’m Heather Mills, and every week I share the cognitive and nervous system tools to help you reclaim your energy, confidence, and control.

Too many smart, capable lawyers leave the law in what I call a crisis exit. And I should know. I did it myself.

You’re always in choice about whether to stay in the law or leave. But here’s what matters. The way you leave changes everything about what comes next.

Here’s the pattern I see constantly, and that I lived through. You reach a breaking point. You think, “I can’t do this anymore.” You make a quick exit. And then here’s the part nobody talks about. All the same patterns that drove you to that breaking point follow you to whatever’s next. New firm, in-house role, your own practice, or completely out of law. The patterns come with you.

Most lawyers don’t apply thoughtful analysis to the decision to leave. Not because they’re not smart enough, but because their brain is feeding them a constant stream of thoughts that feel true in the moment. “I’m not cut out for this.” “I’m not performing well enough.” “I’m disappointing people.” “I can’t keep this up.”

And these thoughts feel true. They feel like facts. But they’re just your brain in crisis mode.

Now, if you’re already rolling your eyes thinking this is another wellness podcast about meditation or loving yourself, good. That’s not what this is.

I use what I call the TEA Practice, which is a cognitive behavioral framework, combined with Matrix Visualization, which is nervous system regulation backed by memory reconsolidation research. This isn’t soft skills. This is brain science applied to the specific patterns that make the same workload unbearable for you when other lawyers seem fine.

When I left the law, I wasn’t in crisis. I was performing well. Everyone around me was shocked by my decision to leave.

What I knew was this. I was smart and capable, but I was miserable. I didn’t like my day-to-day experience. I wanted to feel better about my life and myself.

What I didn’t know was how to identify and change the specific patterns that were making it harder for me to be a lawyer than it needed to be.

So I left for what seemed like good reasons. I wanted more positivity and less conflict. I wanted to spend more time with people I cared about. But I left with all my patterns intact. And I brought every single one of them with me.

Here’s what I learned after. I could have treated this like any other legal analysis. Gather data. Identify the actual problem. Address the root cause before changing circumstances.

I’d been thinking about the problem for years, but I wasn’t thinking about it strategically. I thought there were two problems. The job was too demanding, and I wasn’t built for those demands.

Turns out neither was supported by evidence. The real problem was my approach. And I took that approach with me when I left.

So today, I’m going to walk you through a way of thinking about this so you don’t make the same mistake. We start with diagnosing the problem correctly. Then we make decisions.

Most lawyers have misdiagnosed the problem the way I did. Diagnosing it correctly means looking at your own patterns before you decide whether to stay or go.

And needing help to see your own patterns is completely normal. Even the smartest people need help being objective about themselves. That’s not a weakness. It’s neuroscience.

So here’s what I want you to know first. There is nothing wrong with you.

What’s actually happening is this. Specific patterns are making your work harder than it needs to be. Not you. Not law. The patterns.

Until you identify and address them, you’ll never know if you wanted to leave law, or if you just wanted to leave the version of yourself that was practicing law with these patterns driving everything you do.

So what are these patterns?

Perfectionism. You reread emails four times before sending them. You obsess over every word in a brief that’s already excellent. You can’t let anything go that’s less than perfect.

Over-responsibility. You take on your partner’s anxiety about the case outcome. You feel personally responsible for things completely outside your control.

Black-and-white thinking. You’re either crushing it or you’re failing. There’s no middle ground. No room for being competent but not exceptional on any given day.

These patterns aren’t character flaws. They’re not signs you’re bad at law. They’re conditioning. They got you through law school. They got you hired. They worked, until they didn’t.

Now they’re liabilities. They’re the invisible rules making the same workload feel impossible when other lawyers seem fine.

Here’s the question most lawyers skip.

Can you practice managing these patterns in your current job? Can you use this job as your training ground?

Why does this matter?

Because there’s a specific cost to the crisis exit. You never find out what you actually wanted. You just know you had to escape.

And then, two to three months into the next thing, the same patterns resurface. Because you changed your circumstances, but not your operating system.

So how do you actually start?

Your brain right now is only compiling evidence of what’s not working. That’s not objectivity. That’s bias.

So deliberately gather different data. Ask yourself, what is working here? What expertise have I actually built?

This isn’t positive thinking. This is accurate thinking.

I know what you’re thinking. How do I know what’s actually true when I’m in crisis mode? That’s why I use memory reconsolidation with clients. It changes the neural pathways that keep reinforcing these patterns. For now, just start gathering data your brain has been ignoring.

Then ask yourself what it would look like to practice law aligned with your values, right here, in this job.

I know you’re thinking, “That’s not possible. I can’t set boundaries without getting fired.”

But have you actually tested that? Or have you just assumed it’s true?

Most lawyers never test it. I never tested it. I just assumed the way I was working was how it had to be.

What if you asked, can I set boundaries in this role? What would I do differently if I believed I was allowed to?

You might be surprised by what’s actually possible.

You can’t make a clear decision from crisis mode. Your nervous system is in fight or flight. Your brain is in black-and-white thinking.

Your thoughts, “I can’t keep up with this workload,” “Other people seem fine,” “I must not have what it takes,” create feelings of shame, inadequacy, and anxiety.

Those feelings drive your actions. You overwork to prove yourself. You withdraw from support. You avoid making the decision.

Those actions create more evidence for the original thought. You’re exhausted from overworking, which confirms “I can’t keep up.” You’re isolated, which confirms “I must be the only one struggling.” You’re stuck, which confirms “I can’t handle this.”

It’s a self-reinforcing cycle.

That’s why this pattern work has to come first. It breaks the cycle. It rebuilds your ability to trust your judgment, which you need whether you stay or go.

Once you’ve done that diagnostic work and your nervous system is regulated, then you move to decision-making. Only then can you think strategically about what you actually want.

Here’s a way to think about the decision.

If both staying and leaving turn out amazing because you make them amazing, which do you choose?

What if failure isn’t catastrophic?

What if you leave law and don’t like what’s next? You can come back. Your bar card doesn’t expire.

What does your future self, ten years from now, say?

She’s already lived this decision. What does she tell you?

What’s the best and worst case for each option?

Usually, you’ll find the worst case is missing out on the best case.

Let me give you two examples.

One client identified perfectionism and over-responsibility as the actual problems. Not the job. Not her capability. She changed her approach to the same role. She’s still there, and she enjoys practice now.

Another client did the same diagnostic work and then made a lateral move. She knew exactly what she was moving toward. A less hierarchical culture. A boss she respected. A team structure that was already built.

Neither made a crisis exit. Neither regrets the process.

The difference was doing the pattern work first.

So here’s what you need to remember. Do the pattern work first. Then decide.

You’re capable of doing this analysis. You do hard analysis for clients every day. You just haven’t done it for yourself from a calm place yet.

Are you deciding from crisis mode, or from a place where you can see the whole picture?

Are you running from something, or running toward something?

Do you actually want to leave law, or do you want to leave the version of yourself that’s been practicing law under these patterns?

You can leave anytime. Just not from “I can’t do this anymore.”

From “I’ve done the analysis. I’ve addressed the patterns. And here’s what I want.”

Thanks for listening to The Lawyer Burnout Solution. If this episode helped you think differently, share it with another lawyer who’s considering leaving. I’ll see you next week.