If you've ever felt responsible for everyone's happiness at work or at home, this episode is for you.

This is the Lawyer Burnout Solution, the podcast for female attorneys who want to stay in the careers that they've worked so hard to build without running themselves into the ground. I'm Heather Mills, and every week I'll share the tools, strategies and mindset shifts you need to reclaim your energy, confidence and career.

One of my clients, let's call her Maya, came to her coaching call recently asking if we could talk about a personal situation instead of work. And of course, I told her, everything is on the table in coaching, and it's all connected.

But she was feeling stressed about her cousin and her cousin's boyfriend coming to visit her in New York City from Denmark, and she wanted to make sure they were going to have a really great time. She wanted to help them create a fun itinerary, but it was a busy time at work, and she wasn't sure she was going to be available when they wanted to come.

I asked her, well, what's the worst thing that they would think about her if they didn't have a good trip?

She paused and she thought, well, they might say that I'm not a good cousin, or that I'm too self-important to take time off or be available. I asked her, well, did her cousin say any of this to her? She admitted no, they hadn't said anything.

This is a perfect example of what I call excessive responsibility. It's where we feel responsible for things that are outside of our control. And it's not just personal. It shows up in our work lives too.

In fact, excessive responsibility is one of the main contributors to burnout. When we overcommit ourselves because we're trying to control outcomes or manage other people's emotions, we end up neglecting our own needs. We end up neglecting our own goals and dreams.

Why do we do this? Why do we take on other people's problems and their tasks and their work, all the stuff that's not really ours to take on and to our own detriment?

There are four main reasons that excessive responsibility happens.

1. Socialization: As women, we are socialized to prioritize other people's needs over our own. Society teaches us that our worth is tied to how much we do for others, and that we need to be selfless. That shows up in subtle ways, like being praised for being helpful or caring, while asserting ourselves might be labeled as selfish.
At work, this might look like smoothing over conflicts between coworkers. At home, it might look like managing all the logistics—groceries, bills, doctor appointments, kids' activities—even when you have a partner who could help.

This leads us to believe we're only valuable when we’re sacrificing ourselves for others, creating a cycle of overcommitment, guilt, and resentment when we try to set boundaries.

2. Misplaced Responsibility: We think we're responsible for things that aren't actually ours to control. When we think, “I need them to think I’m competent,” or “I don’t want them to be disappointed,” we’re trying to control others’ thoughts or emotions.
We may also think, “If I just work harder, I can guarantee success,” when we don’t ultimately control the outcome.

This kind of thinking creates so much stress and anxiety because we’re trying to manage things that are inherently unpredictable.

When my kids were young, I had this idea that I could control their behavior—especially at birthday parties. I was trying to prove I was a good mom, and it backfired, creating suffering for all of us. Eventually, I learned to let go, and now I can celebrate who they are, not who I want them to be.

3. Fear of Judgment: Our fear of judgment causes us to project our own self-critical beliefs onto others. We assume people will think the worst of us if we don’t meet our impossibly high standards.
“If I don’t take on this extra project, they’ll think I’m lazy.”
“If I don’t join this committee, they’ll think I’m not committed.”

But these fears often come from our own brain—not actual feedback. So we overcommit, trying to prove ourselves, and end up reinforcing the belief we’re not doing enough.

4. Magical Thinking: This is the belief that if we do everything perfectly, we can avoid feeling guilt, shame, or anxiety. It starts in childhood—“If I get straight A’s, my parents won’t be disappointed.”
And as adults: “If I do everything perfectly at work, no one will be upset with me.”
But we’re human. We make mistakes. Negative emotions are unavoidable, and trying to prevent them through perfectionism only leads to burnout.

So those four reasons—socialization, misplaced responsibility, fear of judgment, and magical thinking—combine to create a storm of excessive responsibility. They teach us others’ needs matter more, that we’re responsible for what we can’t control, and that doing more means being better. This path leads to burnout.

Now let’s go back to Maya.

Remember how she admitted her cousin never actually said anything negative? That was her own brain projecting self-criticism onto someone else. I asked her: “Do you really think you’re a bad cousin?” She laughed. “Of course not.”

And was she in charge of whether they had a great trip? No. She wasn’t controlling the weather, the bagels, or the exhibits. If they didn’t enjoy New York, that was on them.

Saying it aloud made her realize how absurd her inner dialogue had been. She laughed again. And then she noticed something: this was also happening at work.

Maya had brought in a new client—huge win. But she wasn’t working on the case because it was assigned to other associates. She kept worrying about how it would go and whether the client would be disappointed.

She thought, “What if they think I brought them here just to hand them off to someone who doesn’t care?”
But again, no one had said this.

We looked at her thoughts: Had the client asked her to personally oversee every detail? No. She realized her fear and stress weren’t coming from the client or the team—they were coming from her own mind, projecting her insecurities.

This kind of thinking keeps us in a loop. We can’t rest. There’s always something more we “should” be doing, another person we “should” be pleasing. That constant pressure disconnects us from ourselves—our desires, our needs, our dreams.

So how do we stop it? How do we let go of excessive responsibility and focus on what’s actually ours?

This is where autonomous accountability comes in.

Autonomous means freedom and agency—being in charge of what’s yours.
Accountability means being responsible for your own goals, values, and actions.

It starts with believing you’re inherently worthy—not because of what you do for others, but just because you exist.

Here’s one simple way to start: make two lists.

List 1: Where does your sense of responsibility come from?
Was it your family? Did you feel responsible for your parents’ or siblings’ emotions?
Was it your culture or religion, which emphasized self-sacrifice?
Did poverty force you into responsibility early?
Does the legal industry’s overwork culture fuel it?

List 2: What’s truly within your control at work?
On one side: list outcomes you directly control.
On the other: list outcomes you influence but don’t control.

Seeing it written down can help you spot where you're overcommitting.

Second way to push back: Be willing to feel negative emotions. Don’t overcommit just to avoid guilt or anxiety. Let yourself experience those emotions—without judging them or yourself.

When you shift from being responsible for everyone else to being accountable for your own life, you reclaim your energy, recover from burnout, and start to thrive.

If you found this episode helpful, hit FOLLOW or SUBSCRIBE on your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. I’m here every week with tools to help you reclaim your energy, confidence, and career.

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Let’s help more lawyers thrive—not just survive.

That’s it for today. Thanks for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself this week, and I’ll see you next week.